04.30.08
The worst funeral experience…
My parents have been longtime friends with this one family. All through my childhood they’d get together with them to play bridge each weekend. I am an only child, so I’d be brought along. Fortunately, they had 4 boys, so there were always people to play with. The oldest boy was one of those kids who taught me lessons vicariously. Whatever was wrong to do, he did. He stole from his brothers for drugs, tormented them, got arrested (and bailed out by his parents). The thing is he never changed as he grew. He grew up to be a nasty lawyer. He was always the kind that you wanted to wash your hands after shaking hands, and you always watched your purse when he was around. He was slick.
He married several times (cheated and divorced several times). He always remained the fair-haired child and Mom and Dad always bailed him out. Well, he died suddenly on a bike trail this year (he was late 40s, and very fit).
I felt awful for the parents — my parents good friends — and immediately brought food to their house. I baked a casserole and some dessert, and brought them over in my nice longaberger basket (easy to carry and looks nice). They were so appreciative (and so distraught). They met me at the door and whisked the food to the kitchen, came out and talked, and then I took leave (not wanting to impose). I didn’t ask for my basket back because I didn’t want to be a burden. I know they see my folks regularly, so I didn’t worry about getting it back (for those of you who don’t know longaberger baskets, a basket like this is almost $100. They are handwoven of hardwood maple, and are very sturdy, but nice looking).
Two days later, I met up with my Mom at the funeral and stood by her (there were no seats available). My day was playing the bagpipes for the service. At the front they had a display setup of some of his favorite things, and there was a table with his picture propped up ..against what looked like my basket!! I said to my Mom, “Is that MY basket?” She said, “Oh yes, they are holding his ashes in it.” Knowing my Mom, I figured she was trying to bait me into being appalled and upset (she likes to kid like that). I expressed my disbelief but she persisted. My dad came out to play the pipes and he marched toward the table with the picture on it. Mom SWORE he was piping to the remains of this guy — the ashes in the basket. I WAS starting to be appalled, but still refused to believe it actually was that.
(As an aside, the second time dad came out to play, the man in front of us put his fingers in his ears!! I couldn’t believe it. We were outside, and a single piper is not that loud in that environment…and my Dad is a good player! The pipes were in good tune and everything. I laughed harder later knowing this guy KNEW my dad — was a former neighbor of these people).
Anyway, I ran into the Mom after the service and wanted to express my condolences. She was quite excited to point out that she “honored” me by using MY basket to hold her son’s ashes!! NO KIDDING. She said they hadn’t thought about what to put him in and saw my beautiful basket and knew I would be honored!! Seriously!
I told my Mom I didn’t want it back!! A week or so later, they brought the basket back to my Mom’s house. She wouldn’t let it in the house and held it out her window to drive it to my house and put it back in the garage. It didn’t get back into my house, that’s for sure! A friend offered to take it off my hands even after hearing the story!!
Unbelievable.
04.10.08
Friendship trials…
There is a coworker of mine with whom I’ve been friends with for several years (6 or 7). We’ve been close for the past 4 or 5. She has had MANY issues through which I’ve supported her but tried not just to be the type of friend who simply agrees with her viewpoint but tries to be a voice of truth. She dated this guy for 12 years who wouldn’t marry her. The guy treats her like a doormat, always has. She would not accept any direct criticism, but I at least tried to help her find her voice to stand up for herself.
There wasn’t a week that went by that she wasn’t crying about something he’d done (something usually very selfish or insensitive). Last spring he started to entertain the idea of marriage because he was 40 and she was about to turn 40 and he did admit he wanted kids. The ups and downs there were almost unbearable. At one point he suggested they try to have kids prior to getting married to be sure she could have kids!! (Tell me you’d stay with someone like that). His only real qualities seemed to be that he had money, a nice house and was very well educated (so he could carry on an intelligent conversation when he deigned to).
But for some reason she really loved this guy and would NOT leave him no matter what he did. I sometimes thought he didn’t have the gonads to end the relationship so he was doing everything he could to make her leave him.
He told her they’d be married by the end of the summer… that didn’t happen. Then they started planning to elope in the Fall. He told her if she made him have a regular wedding with people there, he’d leave her on the altar for sure (she always had good excuses for why he didn’t mean that to be hurtful, but that he was nervous in front of people). Finally, they did elope. Even on the altar she wasn’t sure he wasn’t going to leave her. He leaned over and said to have her remind him to talk to the priest afterwards and the thought crossed her mind that he was going to find out how to get out of it!
Well, turns out she did get pregnant a few weeks before the wedding. She found out the week after the wedding.. I could have cried. I didn’t know if I could actually live through all the turmoil this was going to cause. Shoot, the guy wasn’t even working to get her moved in, and then was being stingy about what rooms she could use in HIS house! How could they deal with pregnancy?? NOT my problem…but hard to watch.
Anyway, each phase of this pregnancy has been fraught with issues. He dictates what she can and can’t eat or drink, etc. He has told her she is going to be pregnant again this time next year and that she won’t be able to work, etc. Then she decides for the ultrasound that she wants to find out the sex, but he doesn’t. She does find out and he is telling her she won’t be able to keep the secret from him. She was actually doing really well, and she decided not to tell anyone else.
Well, I made the unfortunate mistake of running her into the mall and seeing that she purchased something sex-specific for the baby. I got so excited!! Well, she got really mad. She started lecturing me the next day about what Rick wanted and that he told her not to tell anyone. At that point, I had had it. I was coming out of my supply closet and closed the door hard, said, “YOU didn’t TELL me,” and walked out. I needed to leave or it would have gotten ugly, and I wouldn’t have been able to hold it in.
She came back into my office after I left that night (I had given her a key so she could store her lunch and supplies in my office) and she moved everything out and stopped talking to me. I went to her room to get my key back, and she again started to lecture me about how in HER world, her husband would be the first to find out what sex the baby was!! All I could say was in the REAL world, I DO happen to know the sex, and I can’t take that back. It JUST happened.
So she stopped talking to me. She did send me an email and it totally offended me. She told me NOT to tell anyone… I have kept SO many secrets for this woman. That was too much.
So, she has avoided me and not talked to me for over a month now. I figure since she isn’t allowed to work, this is the next step “in her world” for making it a better thing…justifying how it will be much better for her than staying in this place.
I have had so many close friends do really hurtful things to me that this is just one more in a long string. I have taken so much, and I just can’t take it any more. I’m sure that if I went to her and told her I miss her friendship (which I do), that she would then acquiesce within her rules. The thing is that I am tired of always being the one to “give in”. I did nothing wrong here. So, I’m not cowtowing and going to her to make amends.
Will I regret it? Certainly I feel sad (in addition to the hurt and anger). I would just like for ONCE to have a friend who has hurt me come to ME and apologize. Shoot, I’d like for once even if I WERE in the wrong for a friend to come to me to make amends! I think I would pass out if that happened.
Somehow, though, I’ve got to let this go, and drop the hurt. This is definitely no fun.
